All My Jokes

  1. A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…
    So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra! the husband was 92 years old.
    The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!
  2. I’m the life of the party – even if it lasts until 8 pm.
  3. I’m very good at opening childproof caps – with a hammer.
  4. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
  5. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
  6. I’m very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over…………..
  7. I’m not really grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can’t seem to remember right now.
  8. I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
  9. I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen? And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
  10. I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
  11. I’m a walking storeroom of facts – I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.
  12. I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
  13. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I’m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt
  14. I don’t drink anymore, I can get the same feeling from standing up quickly.
  15. When WC Fields, the actor, was in his dotage he was seen to be reading the Bible by a close friend who demanded to know what he was looking for. ‘Loopholes, dear boy, loopholes,’ murmured Fields.
  16. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, ‘I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’ I continued, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’ He added, ‘She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.’ I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’ He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.’ I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’ He replied, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’
  17. I thought last Friday was a sad day.
    Turns out that today is a sadder day.
  18. What did the fibula and tibia do Friday night?
    They went to a shindig
  19. So it’s a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early…
    …and he catches his wife in bed with another man.
    In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.
    He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.
    The next day when his best friends visits him in his cell he breaks down. “I can’t believe what I’ve done. I feel terrible.”
    His buddy looks at him and says “hey man, I know things look bad now but they could always be worse.”
    “What the hell are you talking about, man? Two people are dead, I might get the electric chair! My life’s over” he lamented.
    “Yeah that’s all true, but things could still be worse.”
    “Why are you tormenting my like this?”
    “Well,” his friend began, “had you come home the day before you’d have gotten me too!” (credit to Freddie Gibbs)
  20. I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
    My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
  21. What do you call Santa’s brothers and sisters? Relative clauses.
  22. “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
    “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
    Punctuation is important.
  23. A man went into a fish shop and said, “Can I have a tail end, please?”
    So the man behind the counter said, ‘And they all lived happily ever after.’
  24. Whoever put the “b” in SUBTLE deserves a pat on the back.
    Teacher: “Name two pronouns?”
    Student: “Who, me?”
  25. What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
    One has claws at the end of its paws. The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
  26. 5 vowels, 8 consonants, a comma, and an exclamation mark appeared in court today. They’re due to be sentenced some time next month.
  27. What do you say to comfort a Grammar teacher? There Their They’re.
  28. Never date an apostrophe. They’re too possessive.
  29. “What can you tell me about angle c?”
    “Hmm, it’s acute?”
    “No, it’s a small island off the north coast of Wales.”
  30. Went to Fibonacci conference last week, was as good as the last two put together. (I had to look up what Fibonacci was)
  31. A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
    From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
    “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.
    “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
    “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
    Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better
    at it, isn’t he?”
  32. The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
    “What are you doing?” she asked.
    “I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered.
    “But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
    “This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.
    “Love Dress? But you’re naked!”
    “My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
    On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
    Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
    “What are you doing?” He exclaimed.
    “This is My Love Dress.” She replied.
    “Needs ironing,” he said.
  33. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
    The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
  34. A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
  35. Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
    Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m old doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year. He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back. Guess he was embarrassed.
  36. A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
    For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
    In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
    She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
    He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
    The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
    “Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
    “Oh,” she said. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
  37. Q: What animal has a dick in the middle of its back?
    A: Ted Nugent’s horse
  38. How does the Devil visit heaven?
    The Hellevator!
  39. What is the Devil’s favorite tree?
    Adultree
  40. How does the Devil take calls?
    On his hell phone.
  41. How do sponges talk to the devil?
    They use a squeegee board.
  42. If the devil ever lost his hair..
    There would be hell toupee.
  43. I’m writing a book about a guy who sells shoe parts to Satan. It’s your basic “Sold my sole to the devil” novel.
  44. Where does the devil do his dishes?
    Helsinki
  45. My son told me he’s Vegan and I’m worried about devil stuff!
    I am afraid he’ll worship Seitan!
  46. After Centuries of having the best hair in the underworld, The Devil has finally gone bald.
    Thankfully for him, there’s Hell Toupee.
  47. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    They don’t meet the koalafications.
  48. Rest in peace to boiling water.
    You will be mist.
  49. What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
    A chicken sees a salad.
  50. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
    In case she needed to draw blood
  51. How do you throw a space party?
    You planet.
  52. The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
    21.
  53. Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
    All of the fans left.
  54. Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
    It needed help figuring out its problems.
  55. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
    A chew-chew train.
  56. Why can’t male ants sink?
    They’re buoy-ant.
  57. What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
    “Curses! Foil again!”
  58. How do poets say hello?
    Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
  59. Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
    The batroom.
  60. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
    Because he lost his filling.
  61. What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
    Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
  62. Why did the M&M go to school?
    It wanted to be a Smartie.
  63. Why do bees have sticky hair?
    Because they use honeycombs.
  64. A man runs into a bar.
    Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!”
    So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds.
    “Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.
    “You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man.
    “Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.
    “Only twelve cents.”
  65. A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
    The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.
    “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
    “France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”
  66. Two dragons walk into a bar.
    The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
    His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
  67. The NSA Walks into a bar.
    “Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.
    The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”
  68. Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
    If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.
  69. Did you hear about the doctor who sent a group of crows to a mental health institution?
    He committed a murder.
  70. Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals
    Due to their stable environment
  71. I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.
    It’s car-pull tunnel syndrome.
  72. I hate the stigma around mental health. Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends wouldn’t talk to me anymore.What does it mean when people say “I don’t believe in drugs for mental illness?” ‘Cause they seem pretty real to me. I think those people might have a delusional disorder.
  73. I’m lucky, I have very little side effects from my medications. They can fit right into my pocket.
  74. I’ve never had paranoid delusions. Somebody told me I did, but I know they’re lying.
  75. Mental illness runs in my family. Which is sort of weird, because my parents weren’t very athletic.
  76. Wife: you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back
    Husband: what do you expect, you’re in a bleeping wheelchair
  77. During shelter in place, I realize that I miss people, place, and things.So nouns. I essentially miss nouns.
  78. Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go through the birds’ shelter?
    He’s afraid he’ll never be able to recoup his losses
  79. What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
    More-soup-y’all?
  80. Knock knock
    Who’s there?
    Cargo
    Cargo who?
    No, owl go who. Car go beep beep
  81. A traveling salesman was driving on a lonely country road on his way home one night when a huge storm came up. He saw farmhouse up the road and headed for it. He knocked on the door and the farmer answered. The salesman asked if he could take shelter from the storm at his house.
    The farmer welcomed him in and put him up for the night. In the morning, the kind farmer served him bacon and eggs and the salesman was extremely thankful for his hospitality On his way out, the farmer walked him to his car and the salesman saw a pig with 3 legs go past. The salesman asked why does that pig only have 3 legs?. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s one special pig!” The salesman asked why he was special. The farmer said, “Well, one night a fire broke out in the house and the wife and I were sleeping. That pig broke through the door and made such a racket that it woke us up and saved our lives!” The salesman said “Wow! But why does he have only 3 legs?” The farmer said “Well, that’s one special pig! Another time my son fell into the well and that pig came running to me squealing and led me to him so I could rescue him! “. The salesman said, “Yes he sounds very special, so why does he only have 3 legs? “ And the farmer replied, “well now, son, a pig that special you don’t eat all at once!”
  82. A charity was trying to convince the town’s only millionaire in town to donate to them.
    So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. “First,” he said,”are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?” A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. “Well, uhm no.” “Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?” “Well no sir.” “Exactly!” said the millionaire “So if I didn’t help them, what makes you think I’ll help you?”
  83. Dad: To be honest, July is my favorite month.
    Son: Why July?
    Dad: I never lied.
  84. How do you prevent someone from being killed on July 4th?
    Kill them by July 3rd
  85. What does a parrot want on the 4th of July?
    A Fire Cracker.
  86. The nerve of some people! Here it is, July 6th and idiots are outside shooting off fireworks.
    They almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire.
  87. America: Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!
    England: Where’s the T?
    America: Threw it in the harbor.
  88. Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still In *da* pendent
  89. My dog hates the 4th of July
    Not because of the fireworks or anything, it’s just that he’s an English Bulldog
  90. I gave our solar system a 1 star review on yelp
  91. This will be the first year my wife and I won’t be going to Disney World for a couple of weeks because of Covid 19.
  92. Normally we don’t go because we have no desire to.
  93. July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.
    On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.
  94. Why doesn’t the US knock?
    Because freedom rings.
  95. Someone told me that they don’t have the 4th of July in other countries. Seems kinda stupid to skip from the 3rd to the 5th, but whatever.
  96. [first day as bartender]
    Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
    Me (staring at all the liquid ingredients): I don’t know how to tell you this…
  97. Who decides which Facebook posts got viral? I’ve been posting quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
  98. Girl: Do you have any pets?
    Me: (Remembers girls like sensitive guys) Yes, a cat
    Girl: What’s his name?
    Me: (Remembers girls also like tough guys) Missile Launcher
  99. My friend is really passive aggressive. The other day he said, “you’re a moron who doesn’t know what passive aggressive means”
  100. LIFE HACK: give your next child a normal name
    ME: Are you still mad that your mother and I named you Life Hack?
  101. “Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book into a bar?”
    *my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*
  102. My nephew is sick and we are raising $5000 so I can backpack across Europe. It’s too depressing to stay here next to this sick kid
  103. Me: the eagles won last night
    Co worker: oh did you watch the game
    Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game?
  104. [grocery produce aisle]
    ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
    CLERK: No, why do you ask?
    CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
  105. me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
    sperm bank employee: what glass of milk?
    me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
    sperm bank employee: oh my god
    me: what?
    sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
  106. [gun goes off]
    [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
    ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
  107. My son was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍
    I told him they were water. 💦
    Then he asked “Dad, what’s the Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again with his eyes obsidian black “what is the defense system father?”
  108. accountant: “you’re basically broke”
    wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
    me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
  109. gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
    [later]
    dad: so what do you do?
    me: i give out free drugs
  110. JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
    POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: What?
  111. (Skipping stones on a lake)
    DATE: it’s such a beautiful evening
    ME: (whispering) take that you fucking lake
  112. *stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will, we will, miss you”
  113. Me: Will there be sausage rolls
    Karen: (sobbing uncontrollably) th-there-
    Me: (louder) Karen. Your husband’s funeral. Will there be sausage rolls?
  114. I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The pinata remains unscathed
  115. Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables? Because they’ve found their inner peas.
  116. A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve food!” The hamburger says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”
  117. A screwdriver goes into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The screwdriver asks, “You have a drink named Philip??
  118. So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . . .
  119. A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?,” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.
  120. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
  121. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
  122. A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
  123. A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”
  124. Two five-dollar bills walk into a bar and the bartender tells them that this is a singles bar.
  125. Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a Martini.” The bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”
  126. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
  127. Math Teacher: “If I have 3 bottles in one hand and 2 in the other hand, what do I have?” Student: “A drinking problem.”
  128. Alcohol puns are always in pour taste.
  129. People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
  130. I accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the Internet.
  131. Why do dragons often sleep during the day?
    So they can fight knights.
  132. What dinosaur makes the most noise when he is a sleep? Tyrannosnorus
  133. Fell asleep on my smartphone the other day. I had downloaded a nap.
  134. A friend gave up his job as a shepherd. Every time he tried to count his flock, he fell asleep.
  135. How do you know when it is time for cows to go to sleep? When it’s pasture bedtime.
  136. I know someone who was habitually late, until his doctor recommended sleeping in a herb garden. Sounds odd, I know, but now he wakes up on Thyme.
  137. It was a cold Sunday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs O’Tooles house. When she answered the door, Seamus Glynn, her husbands co-worker at the brewery was stood on the doorstep.
    ‘Seamus, hello. Where’s my Patrick? He should have been home from work hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs O’Toole, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Your Patrick fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned’.
    ‘Oh my God’ she replied. ‘Seamus, please tell me it was quick?!’
    ‘Well… no. It wasn’t. He climbed out four times to take a piss’…
  138. Why are Saturdays and Sundays the strong days?
    Because all of the other days are the WEAKDAYS!
  139. A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
    A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
  140. A group of crows flew into a church during the Sunday service.
    It was a Mass murder.
  141. A Priest with a golf addiction awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can’t work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip…
    Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
    St Pete is confused and asks, “Why didn’t you punish him?”
    God responds “I did! ….who is he going to tell?”
  142. A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
    Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”
    Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
    Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
    The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
    “Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”
  143. On Sunday, it was announced from the pulpit that a large, anonymous donation had been made to the church.
    I stood up and said: “Yes, I thought that was the best way to do it.”
  144. On my weekends I’ve been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.
    It’s not much, but it passes the thyme.
  145. Boss: Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
    Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends.
    Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
    Me: Monday.
  146. A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
    The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
    “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.”
    “No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
    “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
    She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done.
    “I read a book,” he replied.
    “That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
    Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
  147. What are you going to do in the weekend?
    “I’m going to buy glasses.”
    “And then what?”
    “Then I’ll see.”
  148. I met my girlfriend’s parents last weekend.
    Me: I’m a big fan of your work.
  149. Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
    “No way!”
    “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
    Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
    The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
  150. Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
    I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I’ve grown significantly since.
  151. Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
    “My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”
    The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”
    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
  152. As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
    *The plot thickens.*
  153. Pretty sure I saw Michael J Fox at the garden center this morning, it certainly looked like him..
    And he had his back to the fuchsia….
  154. After Adam and Eve arrived in Eden, he stayed out late a few nights wandering the garden.
    Eve became suspicious.
    “Are you running around with another woman?” Eve fired off.
    “What other woman?” Adam exclaimed “ You’re it!”
    That night, Adam was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
    “What are you doing?”
    “Counting your ribs.”
  155. An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:
    “Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa.”
    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
    “Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden! That’s where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie”
    At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.
    “Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie”
  156. My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow.
    It was sage advice.
  157. Every Friday night this one bar in town gets a big crowd of VERY drunk people.
    Knowing that people drink and drive from this bar a cop waits across the street to catch people. 15 minutes before last call a guy walks out from the bar stumbling and falling over on his way to his car. The cop sees this and also sees him take about 2 minutes just to get his key in the ignition. The guy pulls away from the bar and the cop follows him and pulls him over about 2 minutes from the bar. The cop goes up to his window and asked him for his license and registration and to get out for a field sobriety test, and as this was all happening everyone else from the bar left. As the cop performed the test it became clear this man completely sober and asked how. And the guy told the cop “oh ya, tonight was my turn to be the designated decoy”
  158. After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
    The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?
    “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”
  159. Judas: You still on for Friday?
    Jesus: Friday?
    Judas: Yeah, the last supper
    Jesus: the what?
    Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
  160. A farmer had three daughters…
    and each was going on a date one Friday night.
    The first daughter’s date showed up “Hi I’m Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?”
    Betty left with Freddy.
    The second daughter’s date showed up “Hey I’m Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?”
    Flo left with Joe.
    The third daughter’s date showed up “Hello I’m Chuck-“
    The farmer shot chuck.
  161. Mary was taken before the judge accused of theft, and he asked her, ‘What did you steal?”A small can of peaches,’ Mary replied, weeping.The judge then asked her why she had stolen the peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then inquired, ‘And how many peaches were in the can?’ Mary answered, ‘Only 6 small pieces.’The judge harshly announced, ‘Then I will give you 6 days in jail.’ But before the judge could finish pronouncing the punishment, the woman’s husband, Derek, interrupted and asked the judge if he could say something?The judge, slightly annoyed asked, ‘And what have you to say in your wife’s defense?’ Derek spoke clearly, ‘She also stole a large can of peas.’
  162. What’s the best food when you’re so hungry you could eat a house?
    Cottage cheese, wall nuts, and kitchen sink cookies.
  163. Which friends should you always take out to dinner?
    Your taste buds
  164. What’s the best food to eat before a workout?
    Mussels.
  165. What part of a meal makes you the most sleepy?
    The nap-kin.
  166. What’s the main ingredient in canned laughter?
    Processed cheese.
  167. When is eating just like school?
    When you have three or four courses.
  168. What do birds give out on Halloween?
    Tweets.
  169. What did the policeman say to his stomach?
    Freeze. You’re under a vest.
  170. What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
    Snap chat.
  171. What event do spiders love to attend?
    Webbings.
  172. What did one math book say to the other?
    You think you’ve got problems?
  173. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
    You can see its wheels turning.
  174. How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
    She sent her a pee-mail.
  175. How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
    Shocked!
  176. What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
    Sneak-ers.
  177. How do billboards talk?
    Sign language.
  178. Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I’m a schizophrenic,
    and so am I
  179. Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I can’t rhyme,
    Banana
  180. Roses are blue
    And violets are red,
    Please reverse,
    What I just said.
  181. Roses are red,
    I have a phone,
    Nobody texts me,
    Forever Alone.
  182. Roses are gray,
    Violets are gray.
    You are gray,
    I’m a dog.
  183. Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I have a gun,
    Get in the van.
  184. Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Sheep go baah
    And cows go moo
  185. today my doctor told me to cut back on caffeine so i will reluctantly no longer go to the doctor
  186. Why does Batman wear dark colors?
    Because Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
    Why does Robin wear bright colors?
    Because Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
  187. Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
    “No swimming without supervision.”
  188. How come when batman dons a suit of armor and beats up mentally ill clowns its “Heroic” but when I do it I’m “Committing assault” and I’m “Not allowed in McDonald’s again’?
  189. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
    Wiped his butt.
  190. Robin: “Holy disappointment Batman, the TV remote doesn’t work!”
    Batman: “Have you checked the batteries?”
    Robin: “What are teries?”
  191. Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
    Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
    Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down, very,red-faced.
    Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
    “Correct,” said Dr. Parker. “And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
  192. “Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?”
    “But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already!”
    “Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”
  193. The little girl was sitting in her father’s lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye’s off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
    Finally she spoke, “daddy, did God make you?”
    “Yes, sweetheart” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
    “Oh she said,” then “daddy, did God make me too?”
    “Yes, indeed honey” he assured her. “God made you just a little while ago.”
    “Oh” she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it now isn’t he?”
  194. Child’s experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
  195. Fathers Day is just like Mothers Day, only you don’t spend as much.
  196. Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
    10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
    9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
    8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
    7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
    6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
    5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
    4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
    3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
    2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
    1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
  197. I told an AMAZING joke to some zombies today…
    … But all I got were moans and groans.
  198. Lois Lane [on the phone]: What are you wearing right now?
    Superman: My tight, sexy, red underwear.
    LL: *moans*…. tell me more….
    SM: I’m wearing them over the top of a blue onesie!
    LL: Umm… ok
    SM: A onesie with a cape!
  199. LL: I’m hanging up now
    — credit to Phill Spittle
  200. What did the knight say to the turnip?
    Begone, foul beet!
  201. I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, a 6 pack of beer and a pack of cigars.
    Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.
  202. A postman is delivering a package as a 8 year old opens the door with a glass of whiskey in his hand and a big cigar in his mouth.
    The postman is shocked : “Aren’t your parents at home?”
    The 8 year old : “Does it look like it?”
  203. I went to a smoke shop only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.
    Clothes, but no cigar.
  204. Oh yeah, I REALLY hate cigars.
    -Fidel Sarcastro
  205. This guy comes home from work early and runs up several flights of stairs to surprise his wife. As soon as he gets inside he smells cigar smoke and immediately gets the notion that his wife was fooling around with another man. Convinced he is still in the apartment, he checks every possible hiding place and tears the apartment apart. Unsuccessful, he gets so angry he throws the refrigerator out the window killing an unsuspecting man walking below. Then the husband clutches his heart and dies on the kitchen floor from a heart attack, apparently from all of the stress and exertion.

    Immediately 3 men find themselves in heaven waiting to talk to St Peter. The first man was asked how he came to be there and he says “the last thing I remember was walking down the street, looking up and seeing a refrigerator hurling at me”. St. Peter says “you can enter heaven”. The next guy is asked how it was that he had ended up there. He says “I got home early, smelled cigar smoke and figured my wife was cheating on me so when I couldn’t find the man I got so angry I threw the refrigerator out the window. I must have had a heart attack so here I am” St Peter says “You didn’t intend to kill this man, and you’ve been through a lot. I’m going to let you into heaven”. The third guy is asked how he got there and says, “well there I was, sitt’n in this refrigerator, smoking a cigar, minding my own business……
  206. Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
    Voice: This is my father.
  207. A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
  208. “Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
    “Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
    “…Which bus would I take home?”
  209. How is the baby bird like its dad?
    It’s a chirp off the old block.
  210. Dear Dad,
    $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
    Love, Your $on

    Dear Son,
    I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
    Love, Dad
  211. I’m such a bad cook, if I leave dental floss out in the kitchen the cockroaches hang themselves
  212. It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
  213. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.
    He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date.
    Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
    Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
    Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?”
    “Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”
    Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.
    About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”
  214. Wife: How was your day, honey?
    Me: Definitely didn’t use your hair straightener to try & cook a grilled cheese
    Wife: What?
    Me: I mean good
  215. realtor: so what are u looking for in an apartment
    me (googled how to cook eggs last week): a large kitchen with updated appliances is a huge priority for me
  216. Sure cooking is healthy & cheap. But you have to go to the “store” to get “ingredients” to make at your “home” w/ a “stove” Where does it end?
  217. My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
  218. Anyone who says they don’t like cats, has never had one cooked right…
  219. Why did the chef cook his eggs on the golf course? Because he wanted them par-boiled!
  220. My cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
  221. I’m not going to say I can’t cook, but should toast have bones?
  222. I’m such a bad cook, the other night, I fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!”
  223. Two neighbors in Stratford have a dispute about whose house is the authentic birthplace of William Shakespeare. Officials kept the peace by putting a plaque on both their houses.
  224. How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
    100 of course! 1 to screw the bulb in and 99 to stand around, saying, “It should be me up there!”
  225. The funniest part of Macbeth is when the soldiers all cut a branch of a tree to hold in front of them while they march on the castle; pretending to be innocent trees instead of an army.
    The second funniest part is that it actually works.
  226. Tried acting on a farm once. It went terribly; I got mooed off the stage.
  227. Planning to open a new shadow puppet show. Business plan says we’ll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
  228. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
  229. “The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.” – Buddy Hackett
  230. “Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.” – Johnny Carson
  231. “I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” – Margaret Cho
  232. “I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?'” – Bill Hicks
  233. “I’m 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there’s never one around.” – Milton Berle
  234. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  235. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope
  236. “Housework won’t kill you. But then again, why take the chance?” – Phyllis Diller
  237. “I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.” – Emo Phillips
  238. “I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It’s not really a ghetto; it’s a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don’t know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. ‘Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me a quarter.'” – Freddie Prinze
  239. “There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn’t get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, ‘It’s not your birthday. Today’s not about you.'” – Kevin Hart
  240. “There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn’t get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, ‘It’s not your birthday. Today’s not about you.'” – Dave Attel
  241. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
  242. “Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.” – Denis Leary
  243. “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.'” – Bob Newhart
  244. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” – Mitch Hedberg
  245. “I can’t believe we’re still giving clothing as a gift. Cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, ‘Not even close.’ And the person that gives it is always like, ‘You can take it back if you don’t like it.’ ‘That’s alright. I’ll just throw it out.’ Don’t give me an errand.” – Jim Gaffigan
  246. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
  247. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
  248. “After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same [jerk] I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.” – Robin Williams
  249. “Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” – Maria Bamford
  250. A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
    Passenger: “Who?”

    Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

    Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

    Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

    Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

    Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

    Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

    Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

    Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

    Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife
  251. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
  252. My parents raised me as an only child which really pissed off my brother.
  253. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
  254. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
  255. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
  256. “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
  257. My grief counselor died just the other day. He was so good though, I didn’t care.
  258. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick
  259. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
  260. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
  261. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
  262. What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
  263. What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
  264. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
  265. What gift did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? No idea. He hasn’t figured out how to open it yet.
  266. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey
  267. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
  268. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
  269. If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
  270. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? It’s butt.
  271. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
  272. It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.
  273. Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
  274. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
  275. A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
  276. I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
  277. What is black and sticks to a tree? A peeping tom after a forest fire.
  278. If at first you don’t succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  279. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
  280. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
  281. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me
  282. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
  283. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
  284. “I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient. “Give me the good news first,” the patient said. “Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.” “That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
  285. I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
  286. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
  287. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
    Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
    She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  288. A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
    She says hello.
    He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
    So he says, “Do you know me?”
    To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?
    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
  289. My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.
  290. A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
    and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”’Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
    “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
    “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”|
    Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
    She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
  291. A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
    The husband said, “No sweetie.”
    The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
    So the man said, “Okay, I would”
    Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
    And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
    Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
    And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
  292. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
    “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
  293. Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
    Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
  294. Julia tells her husband, “James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
    Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
    Now, why can’t you do that?”
    “Gosh,” James says, “why I hardly know the girl.”
  295. A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
    “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
    “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
  296. On a first date
    HER: So, are you religious?
    FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m part Catholic
    HER: Oh…your mother or your father?
    FM: My foot.
  297. Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
    Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
  298. An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
    “I got you a job. It’s a one-liner.”
    “That’s okay!” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?”
    “Hark, I hear the cannons roar,” says the agent.
    “I love it!” says the actor. “When’s the audition?”
    “Wednesday,” says the agent.
    Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!”
    “Brilliant!” says the director, “you’ve got the job! The first show is at 9 o’clock, Saturday night.”
    The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, “Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
    “Who the heck are you?”
    “I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the actor.
    “You’re Hark, I hear the cannons roar?” says the bouncer. “You’re late! Get up to makeup right now!”
    So, the actor runs up to makeup.
    “Who the heck are you?” asks the makeup girl.
    “I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” he says.
    “You’re late! Sit down.” So she applies the makeup. “Now, quick, get down to the stage, it’s almost time to say your line!”
    So he dashes down to the stage.
    “Who the heck are you?” asks the stage manager.
    “I’m Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” he replies.
    “Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!”
    So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts…
    “What the hell was THAT?!”
  299. Teacher : Who’s your favorite Actor?
    Me: Arnold Schwarzenegger
    Teacher: Please Spell it
    Me: I was only joking, it’s LL Cool J
  300. To the person who told me what actor is playing Forrest Gump
    T.Hanks
  301. Actor: to be or not to be
    Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]… sounds like more than two
  302. What’s the motto of the American Writers Guild?
    YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!
  303. The writers and the director all sit down to plot out the new Thor movie
    The director asks, “Ok guys what do you think we should do for a villain?”
    One writer responds, “Well I had idea for a flamboyantly-colored, three-headed dragon that shoots fire and speaks in riddles.”
    The director sighs, “That’s way too much, let’s keep the villain low key.”
  304. What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?
    Plot Holders.
  305. Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?
    He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.
  306. My friend from Prague is a writer.
    He likes to use Spellczech.
  307. Which famous writer used to be a pirate?
    George arrr arrr matey
  308. Being a writer is enjoyable…
    But the job of editor is more rewording.
  309. I electrified the toilet of a clickbait writer
    No. 1 will shock him.
  310. I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house
    I am home, but he was Homer.
  311. As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
    The tree was stumped.
  312. What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?
    The writers’ block.
  313. 2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar
    What happened next will blow your minds!
  314. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.
    When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail in desperation, and anger!”
    He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
  315. How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?
    13, but #9 will shock you!
  316. I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat
    Just hit subscribe.
  317. An SEO writer walks into a
    { bar | pub | public house | drinking establishment }
  318. How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist
  319. What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?
    632 Hallmark movies.
  320. What do writers have for breakfast?
    Synonym buns
  321. I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.”
    I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people.
  322. An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin’ scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with ’em (thinkin’ he might get a story out if he was lucky). “Mind if I play?”
    The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. “Play alone, we’re a-leavin’. Wild Bill’s comin’ to town.”
    The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, “Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change.”
    After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. “The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town.” Without another word the ‘tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
    Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he’s about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits…
    Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.
    The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground.
    The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.
    The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, “GIMME A DRINK!”
    The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down.
    Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, “W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?”
    The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock… “Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill’s comin’ to town.”
  323. As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking…
    … I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.
  324. Sorry for all of the library jokes. I’ll put them on hold.
  325. Why did the ghost keep coming back to the library? He went through his books too quickly.
  326. The library is a mess and we’re ashamed of our shelves.
  327. I asked the librarian if she knew the author of a dinosaur book. She said try Sarah Topps.
  328. Did you return your books late? Because you have fine written all over you.
  329. Beverages are allowed in the library, but please don’t pour milk on the serials.
  330. A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers. The librarian says:
  331. Librarians make shhh happen.
  332. When my wife said she’s leaving me because she’s never seen me sober, all I could think was…
    “I got married?”
  333. A drunk guy brings his sober friend to his apartment.
  334. They hang out for a while, then the sober guy says, “I should really get home, do you know the time?”
    “Yeah! I have a talking clock.” The drunk guy responds.
    “A talking clock?” His friend replied.
    “Yeah! I pick it up, and slam it against this wall, and it tells me the time!” He picked up the clock, walked over to the wall, and banged it against it a few times. A few seconds later, they heard someone shout “You idiot, what are you doing?! It’s 2:35 in the morning!”
  335. how did the lawyer become sober?
    He passed the bar.
  336. Why did the alcoholic take to beekeeping to get sober?
    Finally found something that would give him a buzz
  337. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again.
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
  338. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, “Do you know him?”
    “Yes”, she sighed,
    “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
    “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
    And then the fight started…
  339. I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
    “Nah, she can order for herself.”
    And that’s when the fight started…..
  340. Being a gardener must be a very sobering career…
    Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.
  341. A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge “I cant take it anymore she’s out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight”
    The judge responds “what’s she doing”
    The guy says “looking for me”
  342. Q: What did the flamingo post on her dating profile?
    A: Single and ready to flamingle
  343. Q: How do fish end their work emails?
    A: Let minnow what you think.
  344. Q: What did the wild cat couple yell during their argument?
    A: “You’re such a cheetah!” “No, you’re lion!”
  345. Q: What did the dolphin say after he accidentally swam into another sea creature?
    A: I didn’t do it on porpoise
  346. Q: What is a whale’s favorite greeting?
    A: Whale hello there!
  347. Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
    A. Can you please be more Pacific?
  348. What do you mean all the catnip is gone? You have cat to be kitten me right now.
  349. Q: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
    A: A Carpet
  350. Names For Groups You Never Knew
    A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger of drunks • A tedium of accountants • A stitch of doctors • A whine of losers • A jerk of politicians
  351. Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
  352. The star of Cake Boss was arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
  353. Q: How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
    A: All the red flags.
  354. Q: Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?
    A: Chairman Meow.
  355. A frightened man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
    “Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
    “I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
  356. Q: How do you count cows?
    A: With a cowculator.
  357. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.
  358. Boy: The principal is so dumb!
    Girl: Do you know who I am?
    Boy: No…
    Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
    Boy: Do you know who I am?
    Girl: No…
    Boy: Good! *Walks away*
  359. Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them
  360. Teacher: How much is a gram?
    Me: Uhmm, depends on what you need
  361. Q: How easy is it to count in binary?
    A: It’s as easy as 01 10 11.
  362. Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
    A: Had a byte!
  363. Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
    Siri: The second page of a Google search.
  364. Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
    A: Made a website!
  365. What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
  366. Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn’t come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? “Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch.”
  367. I decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, “Your password is incorrect.”
  368. Q: What computer sings the best?
    A: A Dell.
  369. The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
  370. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $300,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
  371. Tigger was playing hide & seek so he looked in the toilet but all he found was pooh
  372. I got in touch with my inner self today, it’s the last time I use 1 ply toilet roll
  373. Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves…today was the tip of the iceberg
  374. Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain… So your the one !
  375. Osgood knew he wasn’t popular, well-liked, or even very good looking, and could suck the life out of a room like a fat kid sucking the filling out of a Twinkie, but surely a date with the beautiful blonde in the corner wasn’t out of the question, he thought as he licked the cream from his fingers.
  376. Why shouldn’t you make a “dad joke” if you’re not a dad? Because it’s a faux pa.
  377. A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
  378. What’s the derivative of Amazon? Amazon Prime.
  379. Why couldn’t the pirate sit down? His booty got stolen!
  380. Why was the broom late for a meeting? It overswept.
  381. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
  382. What did the over-excited gardener do when spring came? She wet her plants.
  383. What do you call Batman if he skips church? Christian Bale!
  384. I used to hate body hair, but then it grew on me.
  385. What kind of dinosaur has the biggest vocabulary? The thesaurus!
  386. What’s the best part about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
  387. Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!
  388. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is heavy and one is a lot lighter.
  389. How much does an influencer weigh? An Instagram.
  390. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
  391. wife: I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE
    me, wearing corduroy shorts: what’s wrong honey
  392. What did one elevator say to the other? “I think I’m coming down with something.”
  393. How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenant
  394. What’s brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.
  395. What can you do if you’re scared of elevators? Take steps to avoid them.
  396. What did the princess say in the photo booth? “Someday my prints will come.”
  397. Two guys walks into a bar. The third guy ducks.
  398. What do you call an Italian astronaut? A specimen.
  399. There are three types of people in this world: People who are good at math and people who are not.
  400. The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  401. What do you call a person with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
  402. Which school supply is king? The ruler.
  403. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? “Dam!”
  404. What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
  405. What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
  406. How do snails fight? They slug it out.
  407. What did the animals tell Simba when he walked too slow? Mufasa!
  408. What do you call a canine magician? A labracadabrador.
  409. What kind of music do windmills like? They’re metal fans.
  410. What do hillbillies drink from? Hiccups.
  411. What did the socks say to the pants? “‘Sup britches?!”
  412. How many ears do space aliens have? Three: The left ear, right ear and the final front ear.
  413. Did you hear about the guy who won the award for best knock knock joke? He won the no bell prize.
  414. What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.
  415. How do you catch a bra? With a booby trap.
  416. What did one bean say to the other? “How you bean?”
  417. I witnessed an attempted murder earlier—fortunately only one crow showed up!
  418. Why did the snowman pick through a bag of carrots? Because he was picking his nose.
  419. What’s big, gray and doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
  420. I bought sneakers from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day!
  421. How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg!
  422. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  423. What should a sick bird do? Get tweetment.
  424. What do you call a factory that sells generally decent goods? A satisfactory.
  425. What’s the action like at a circus? In-tents.
  426. How do you organize an astronomer’s party? You planet.
  427. What did the teacher do with the student’s report on cheese? She grated it.
  428. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!
  429. What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted!
  430. Why did the can crusher quit his job?
  431. It was soda pressing!
  432. What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent?
    “Show me the honey!”
  433. Today I gave my dead batteries away.
    They were free of charge!
  434. What do bees do if they need a ride?
    Wait at the buzz stop!
  435. Where did the computer go dancing?
    The disc-o!
  436. What do you give to a sick lemon?
    Lemon aid!
    Put it on my bill!
  437. What do you call it when one cow spies on another?
    A steak out!
  438. What do you get a man who has the heart of a lion? A lifetime ban from the zoo.
  439. If you’re American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom? European.
  440. What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.
  441. What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree? A branch manager.
  442. Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table? Sir Cumference.
  443. I just watched a documentary about beavers.It was the best dam show I ever saw!
  444. What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
  445. How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it!
  446. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones!
  447. Why did the chicken stand in the middle of the road?
    He wanted to play squash!
  448. Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
    Because talk is cheep!
  449. Why did the cow cross the road?
    To get to the udder side!
  450. Why did the duck cross the road?
    To prove he wasn’t chicken!
  451. What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
    A Hensemble.
  452. What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every ?
    An alarm cluck!
  453. Why did McDonald’s run out of chicken McNuggets?The farmer counted his chickens before they hatched.
  454. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
  455. How do chickens bake a cake?
    From scratch.
  456. Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
    He was a double-crosser!
  457. What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
    An eggroll.
  458. What day do chickens hate most?
    Fry-day!
  459. Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
    She was no spring chicken.
  460. What do you call a mischievous egg?
    A practical yolker.
  461. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
    “No, I’m sorry, “replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
  462. Where was Noah when the lights went out? In d’ark.
  463. A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn’t know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N’-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, “May I have just an order of fries?”
    The brother said, “Hold on a moment. I’m the fish friar. You want the chip monk.”
  464. Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project – an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office ‘oomph’ of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
    “Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”
    “Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,” replied Willis. “I’ll play him.”
    “I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Segall. “I’d like to play him.”
    Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds splendid.” Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do you want to be, Arnold?” Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, “I’ll be Bach.”
  465. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
    I don’t know.
    A Do-you-think-he-saurus.
    What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
    You got me.
    A Do-you-think-he-saurus Rex.
  466. What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate?
    A Candy Baa.
  467. Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Artichokes.
    Artichokes, who?
    Artichokes when he eats too fast!
  468. I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
    My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
  469. I heard about this spoiled girl who freaked out because her parents bought her a black Ferrari instead of a red one.
    Really makes me appreciate my parents
    Because they bought me a red one
  470. You know who really hates spoiled children?
    Cannibals.
  471. My child is so spoiled, I got him a trampoline for Christmas.
    Instead of using it he just cried in his wheelchair.
  472. Friend: Now I know how Endgame goes down… some idiot kid loudly spoiled it to everyone today.
    Me: So… who died?
    Friend: For starters, the kid.
  473. My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
    I told her, “no, I think all kids smell like that.”
  474. After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
    She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
    Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
    Husband: What’s up?
    Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
    Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear.
    Then you said:
    – Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.
    So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
  475. COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
    ME: ok
    COP: lets get taco bell
    ME: no
    COP: text ur ex
    ME: no
    COP: ok ur good
  476. Romeo: check out this cat video
    Juliet: omg dead 😂
    Juliet: hello
    Juliet: romeo?
    Juliet: i didn’t mean literally dead
    Juliet: romeo?
  477. What my wife thought, first 4 dates:
    1. Nice shirt.
    2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
    3. Okay, first shirt again.
    4. He has two shirts.
  478. I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
  479. “I just tried to make reservations at the library”
    You don’t need a res-
    “Couldn’t get one though”
    Don’t do this
    “They were fully booked”
  480. The serving size for pizza is “until you hate yourself”
  481. [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
    “Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
  482. ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
    WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
    ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
  483. WHEN CATS ARE SAD
    Bartender: What’ll ya have?
    Cat: Shot of rum.
    [Bartender pours it]
    [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
    Cat: Another.
  484. Hi I’m Ben Franklin and this is Jackass!
    *Flies a kite in a thunder storm*
  485. What should we call this giant advertising board?
    PHIL: A philboard
    BILL: I have a better idea
  486. [ordering cake over phone]
    “and what would you like the cake to say?”
    [covers phone to ask wife]
    “do we want a talking cake?”
  487. One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. Those were Goodyears!
  488. If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
  489. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
  490. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
  491. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!
  492. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
  493. What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got tiny legs!
  494. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?
  495. I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re my watch dogs!
  496. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
  497. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
  498. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
  499. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila
  500. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish
  501. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
  502. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
  503. Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
  504. Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just a mirror in it
    Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard’s escaped again
  505. I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
    So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
    That’s how the fight started.
  506. My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
    I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
    And then the fight started……..
  507. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
    And then the fight started…
  508. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, “What’s on TV?”
    I said, “Dust.”
    And then the fight started…
  509. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
    Do you smell carrots?
  510. Tried to take a photograph of some fog.
    Missed
  511. What sport do you play with a wombat?
    Wom
  512. What does Batman get in his drinks?
    Just ice
  513. A magician was driving down the street…
    Then he turned into a driveway
  514. So two snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff…
    Ba dum tssshhh
  515. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
    He worked his problem out with a pencil
    It was a number 2 pencil
  516. What kind of bagel can fly?
    A plain bagel
  517. How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A Brazillian
  518. Now that everyone is washing their hands correctly:
    Next week – Turn signals!!!
  519. I have to stop saying, “How stupid can you be?”. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge
  520. First rule of cleaning while listening to music: The toilet brush is never the microphone…. never
  521. Me: This show is soooooo boring
    Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference
  522. Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii?
    Karen: you need two i’s
    Cyclops: …my life is just a big effing joke to you, isn’t it Karen?
  523. Sitting at a promising job interview panel, the moderator asked, “what is perhaps your greatest weakness?”
    To which I responded, “some people say that I’m brutally honest.”
    She said, “some may consider that a strength.”
    I say, “WELL I DON”T GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU THINK, KAREN!
  524. A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
    In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket..”
    “Very good,” said the teacher.
    Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched..”
    “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
    Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
    “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
    “Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
    “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
    “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking…”
  525. As the doctor went through Adrienne’s notes he said
    “The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your libido.”
    Adrienne inquired, “How come?”
    Doc said, “Well … your husband is very ugly.”
  526. Me: I have trained this goat to talk.
    Karen: This would be fun to see.
    Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?
    Goat: Mee
    Me[to goat]: Who’s my pet?
    Goat: Mee
    Karen: Ah, its boring
    Me: Wait it gets better
    Goat: It gets way better, Karen!
  527. Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth.
    Karen: This smells like fireball.
    Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell….cinnamon.
  528. CDC: how can we get them to stop going outside?
  529. God: *inventing murder hornets* lol check this out
  530. As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, “Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me”.
  531. [detective inspecting my body at the bottom of the grand canyon] looks like the victim was tweeting “more like the bland canyon” and fell in
  532. Twitter: your jokes suck
    Instagram: your face sucks
    Snapchat: your life sucks
    Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
  533. Instagram: My life is a party.
    Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
    Facebook: My life turned out great!
    Twitter: We’re all going to die.
  534. me: I love you
    my cat: drop dead
  535. Me: *throws frisbee to friend*
    Friend: *disinfects frisbee, throws it to me*
    Me: *disinfects frisbee, throws it to friend*
    Friend: *disinfects frisbee, throws it to me*
    Me: *disinfects frisbee, throws it to friend*
    Friend: *disinfects frisbee, throws it to me*
    Me: this is fun!
    Friend: So fun!
  536. [commercial for stones] are you tired of killing 2 birds with your bare hands?
  537. god: you’re man’s best friend
    dog: awesome!
    cat: what am i
    god: man’s owner
    cat: oh hell ya
    dog: wait
    god: and you’re also the dogs owner
    dog: ok what the bleep?
  538. A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?”
    The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”
    So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.
    After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed. You can drink for free tonight.”
    As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?”
    The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.” So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.
    The bartender says, “Okay, I’m impressed. You can drink here for free for a month.”
    As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer, and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?” The guy says no. “$1000?”. The guy still refuses. “Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5000?”
    So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5000. As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5000!”
    “Not really.” The guy says. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
  539. A friend of mine named Larry once told me, around the time of Bill Clinton’s 2nd inauguration, “You know, President Clinton and I are buddies.”
    I said, “Sure you are.”
    He said, “No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You’ll see me.”
    Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Clinton with his arm around the guy.
    Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I admired Johnny Depp as an actor. Larry said, “Oh, he’s a good friend.”
    I said, “Noooo!”
    Larry said, “Let’s hop in my car”. He drove me to the bar Johnny Depp owns, and as we sipped drinks, Johnny happened to walk by, immediately exclaimed “Larry!” and fell into Larry’s arms.
    This was getting spooky. Larry seemed to know everyone! I tested Larry with a few more people. We were back in the Bay Area. Larry was telling me he was buddy-buddy with Jerry Brown. We went to a Press Conference at Oakland City Hall, and just before Brown started answering questions, he said “I see my friend Larry out there.”
    Same kind of thing happened when we went to Bob Dylan’s house and rang the bell. Bob answered the door, said “Larry!” gave my friend a big hug, and invited us in for drinks.
    I was becoming a believer, but then one day we were having another conversation and Larry said something about “my friend the Pope.”
    I said, “You can’t know him, too!”
    Larry said, “Wanna bet?”
    Larry happens to be very well off, so he flew the both of us to Rome. We took a cab to St. Peters Square. We were standing in the big crowd below the balcony of the Pope’s apartment. Larry said, “Excuse me for a little while” and disappeared into the crowd.
    A little while after that, John Paul appeared on the balcony and started blessing people. And who should be up there beside him but…you guessed it!
    I was utterly amazed! I nudged a fellow standing next to me, pointed to the balcony, and said, “Look!”
    The guy shaded his eyes with his palm, peered up at the balcony, turned back to me, and said, “Who’s that guy up there with Larry?”
  540. The Thane Of Cawdor’s castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.
    The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.
    “Oh, the cost!” He cried, “isn’t there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of this fine old drawbridge?”
    The court fool thinks hard for a minute, then having his eureka moment, steps forward towards his master and exclaims in a loud voice: “urethane”.
  541. The Golden State Warriors will be playing in an empty arena tonight, due to Coronavirus.
    And the Los Angeles Chargers have already announced that, next season, they will continue to play in an empty stadium.
  542. What do you do to someone choking at Disneyland?
    You perform the Anaheimlich Maneuver
  543. I unexpectedly won a free trip to the most scenic part of the California central coast.
    It was a Big Sur prize.
  544. A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble…it was time for breakfast!
    He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you’d expect a midwest greasy spoon/truck stop-type restaraunt to look: red and white checkered plastic table cloths, napkin holders, cook wearing a stained white t-shirt, the whole works. A very old waitress greets him and asks him what he’d like to eat. The boy, already exhausted from driving all night, orders the eggs Benedict, a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee. After a little while, and after a couple cups of coffee, the boy’s order is ready. The waitress brings out his meal on the fanciest china he had ever seen…real crystal for the OJ, polished silver.
    Taken aback, the boy asks the waitress “thanks, but what is with the fancy place setting?” The waitress smiles and reveals a missing tooth and replies, “well you know, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
  545. Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking…
    Soon they happen to inquire about each other’s backgrounds.
    The first man says, “I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean.”
    The second man say, “Oh, how odd! I used to own a jewelry store in Chicago. One night there was a break-in and I lost all my wares. So I collected my insurance and headed down here.”
    The third man looks at the two of them and says, “You won’t believe it! I used to run a warehouse in Kansas. One day a tornado destroyed the entire business, so I collected my insurance and here I am!”
    The first two men look at each other for a while. Finally one of them asks, “How do you make a tornado?”
  546. My sister used to be a beekeeper.
    She lived in California, but was always very emotional. She decided to get into bee keeping by way of therapy, but one day her favourite bee died. She’d named him Alloudocius. We always called her the super sister because she looked after us, but things were never the same after her bee died. We blamed it on my Super cali fragile sister’s ex bee Alloudocius.
  547. What is a brush fire’s favorite place to eat?
    Windy’s
  548. At the hotel
    Me: “Do you guys offer late check-out?”
    Hotel California Concierge: “Buddy, I’ve got great news.”
  549. What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?
    CHiPs and dip.
  550. My sister in California said she felt two earthquakes just in the last week.
    I told her it was her fault.
  551. A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, “Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?” The man replied, “Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it.” The judge said, “That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like.” The man replied, “It’s really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal.”
  552. To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.
  553. Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?Because there was gold in them/their hills.
  554. What do you call a waffle on the beach in Southern California?
    A sandy Eggo!
  555. I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.
    Not sure he appreciated me knocking on his door at 3AM.
  556. I’ve got really bad insomnia.
    It’s been keeping me asleep all night.
  557. I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.
    They call it resisting a rest.
  558. People with insomnia are pretty cool
    They’re up for anything
  559. Doctor can you cure my insomnia?
    “Of course, we just have to get rid of the root cause!”
    “Won’t be easy, the wife’s grown quite fond of that baby”
  560. The doctor told me I have either amnesia or insomnia
    I can’t remember which one and it’s making me lose sleep!
  561. “I just had sex in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th birthday, my boyfriend will die.”
    “Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
  562. It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
    The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present.
    She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers”.
    “How did you guess?” asked the little boy.
    She laughed and thanked him.
    The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present.
    She held it and said, “I guess that is some candy.”
    “How did you guess?” asked the little boy.
    She again laughed and thanked him also.
    The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking.
    The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
    “Mmmmm is it wine?” she asked.
    “No,” said the little girl.
    So she tasted it again.
    “Is it champagne?” she asked.
    “Noooo,” replied the little girl, “It’s a puppy.”
  563. A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
    She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
    He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
    She had a go on every ride there was.
    She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
    Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
    At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
    Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”
    One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
  564. A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”
    Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
    The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
    She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?”
    He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
  565. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
  566. After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
    Half-way through her rendition she realizes she’s rung the wrong number.
    “Why didn’t you stop me when you realize it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
    “You need all the practice you can get!”
  567. Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
    The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
    “What’s the matter,” he asks.
    “My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
    “How do you know already?” he inquires
    “You’re still here.”
  568. A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
    She rejects them all.“Well you tell me what you want then.”
    “I want a divorce.” she replies.
    “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
  569. Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
    Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
    “Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
    After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
    “Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
  570. An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”

    The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”
  571. A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called?
    After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”
  572. A lady noticed an old happy man sitting on his porch. “Excuse me” she said “I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. Tell me, what is the secret to your long happy life.”
    “Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week” “Wow” the women said “and how old are you?” “Twenty eight”, he said!
  573. Grandma Sally’s first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents need a break, she was given the job of watching her. “Let me see the little cutie,” begs her friend Gerty. “Not yet”, Sally responds. When she again refuses five minutes later Gerty has had enough “what are you waiting for?” she fumed. “I’m waiting for her to cry.” “Why is that?” questioned Gerty. “Well, because I forgot where I put her!”
  574. Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
  575. While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate. It seemed as if the man was the only one eating. First his appetizer, then his main, and then finally his dessert. All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food. Confused, I approached the woman and asked if there was anything I could get for her. “No thank you,” came her answer, “it’s his turn for the teeth.”
  576. Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.” “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.
  577. So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
    His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
    “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
    “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
    “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
  578. “Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.
    After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
  579. Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
    “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
    “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
  580. My psychologist told me:
    “Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them.”
    I have done so, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters…
  581. I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego
    I think it worked, I’m feeling much better than all of you today.
  582. What do you call a psychologist cat?
    A freudy cat!
  583. When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
    That kid didn’t help at all.
  584. I started to see a reverse psychologist.
    She told me to kill myself.
  585. Receptionist to psychologist: “Doctor, there’s a patient here who thinks he’s invisible.”
    “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”
  586. A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.
    As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, “My God, whoever did this really needs help!”
  587. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  588. Two behaviorists pass each other in the hallway. One says, “Hi, how am I feeling today?”
  589. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!
    The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, “God, I wonder what *that* was all about?”
  590. I try to be a good person, but I’m pretty sure if I keep ordering multiple large bags of cat litter from Chewy.com the UPS guy is going to put out a hit on me.
  591. “Someday this will all be yours” I tell my cat – while waving my arms wildly at the Amazon boxes by the front door
  592. *my cat Shaman sprints into room at top cat speed*
    Me (cheerfully): Well hello
    *Shaman sprints out of room at top cat speed*
    Me (once again fooled into thinking my cat was excited to see me): Well played Shaman. Well played.
  593. Cat: Remember when you told me you wanted me to sit on your chest with my ass in your face at every opportunity?
    Me: No!
    Cat: Whatever.
  594. People who cough loudly don’t go to the doctor…
    They go to the cinemas.
  595. So apparently it’s just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema………
    but, when you do the same for Schindler’s List, you’re some kind of sick weirdo.
  596. A women went to a hotel for one night and was shocked when she got the bill of $250 the next day.
    So she went to the manager and complained about how expensive it was for one night
    “I am sorry mam but there was multiple services you could of used” said the manager
    “But I didn’t use any of them” replied the lady
    “So you didn’t use the pool?” Asked the manager
    “I didn’t” replied the lady
    “But you could have” replied the manager
    “So you didn’t use the all you can eat buffet” asked the manager
    “I didn’t” replied the lady
    “But you could have” replied the manager
    “So you didn’t use the indoor cinema” asked the manager
    “I didn’t” replied the lady
    “But you could have” replied the manager
    After go back and forth between services that she didn’t use, she decided to write a cheque and pay up.
    The manager looks at it and notices that it is only for $50.
    “What happened to the other $200?” Said the manager
    “I am charging you for sleeping with me last night” said the lady
    “But I didn’t” said the manager
    “But you could have” replied the lady and she then walked out
  597. Wife: that was a lovely funeral service until you ruined it
    Me: I did not ruin it!
    [Cut to me shaking widow’s hand]
    Me: let’s do this again sometime
  598. I caught 2 kids smoking pot outside my office. 15 minutes later my boss caught me and 2 kids smoking pot outside my office
  599. I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s beer.
  600. After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
  601. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? A: Pumpkin pi
  602. MATH stands for Mental Abuse To Humans.
  603. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? Student: You told me not to use tables.
  604. Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An algorithm!
  605. Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still? A: A roamin’ numeral.
  606. Q: What do you call friends who love math? A: algebros
  607. Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.
  608. A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
    The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”
    Wife: “This is me talking to the wine”
  609. My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic
  610. And that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.
    He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions…. until they kicked him out of the cinema.
  611. A man woke up to find his car missing
  612. The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.
    He saw an envelope on the driver’s seat. When he opened it up he found 4 Cinema tickets along with a letter.
    “*Dear Sir i’m not a thief. My wife was pregnant and yesterday she felt labor pain. I don’t have a car and couldn’t find lift so i broke the lock of your car. On the way to the hospital her water broke out. I have washed and polished your car and here are the cinema tickets for your entire family please go and enjoy.*”
    The man become emotional he told his wife and that day they went to the cinema together and enjoyed a lot.
    They came back to the home to find the front door open and all lockers were broken and cash was missing. There was a letter purposely placed on the sofa….
    “**How was the film Sir?**”
  613. I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people’s heads.
    I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.
  614. My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films…
    He forgot to show Up
  615. What time is Thor on in the cinema?
    Thor Thirty
  616. A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident
    A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.
    The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.
    Few days later, the truck driver sees the car driver still with the 6 penguins in the back of his car. He waves at the car driver asking him to stop
    “I told you to take them to the zoo!!!”
    “Oh, we already went twice! Tonight we are going to the Cinema!”
  617. I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money!
    So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.
  618. Two elderly women are coming back from the cinema.
    They encounter a grandson of one of them, who asks:
    “Hi grandma, what movie did you watch at the cinema?”
    The old lady tries to remember the word she wants to say, but has trouble due to her bad memory, so she tries to guide the boy with the hints.
    – “Umm… It’s that thing that sticks from the ground.”
    – “A pole?”
    – “No, no, it’s alive.”
    – “A tree?”
    – “No, much smaller.”
    – “I dunno, a flower?”
    – “Yes! It is a flower!”
    – “Maybe a daisy?”
    – “No, no, the one with thorns.”
    – “A rose?”
    – “Yes! Rose!”
    She turns around to her friend:
    – “Rose, what movie did we watch at the cinema?”
  619. Baby is furiously crying in a cinema
    So I turn around and ask the parents: “For God’s sake, are you stabbing it to death?”
    Mother says: “Oh God ! Of course not.”
    I respond: “But could you please?!
  620. I was in an adult cinema the other night.
    I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”
    So I said to him: “Listen we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night?” and “You’re a total disgrace.”
    Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two cents worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: “In 25 years I’ve never seen anything like this.”
    So I said: “I know I’m not much to look at but that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” But he wasn’t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to “throw me out” and that security was “on its way.”
    At that point I just thought “Oh, I don’t need this”.
    So I stood up and said: “Screw it, come on kids we’re leaving.”
    I went to the Cinema yesterday…
    …I was buying popcorn, a drink and some candy.
    As I went to pay I said, “I’m ever so sorry, I’ve only got a $50 bill.”
    The lady said, “That’s ok, you can put the candy back!”
  621. I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese.
    It was G rated.
  622. Got kicked out of the cinema today just because I took my own food! My argument was the prices they charge there are outrageous, and besides I haven’t had a barbecue for ages…
  623. Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?
    A. Witherspoon
  624. The owner of the local cinema died today
    His funeral is on:
    Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
    Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00
    Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15
    Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30
  625. A dog enjoys a cinema
    A man follows a woman with a dog out of a cinema.
    He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I noticed that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.
    “He cried when it was sad, he barked at the bad guy, and he laughed at the funny parts.”
    I didn’t understand why was he howling at the end though?
    “Oh he hates when the director changes the ending from the book.” she replied,
  626. Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
  627. A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says “I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe” Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
    Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says “I’m sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money”
    Man 2 says “So did I, but I didn’t think he’d be daft enough to do it again”
  628. If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.
    I could almost afford a small popcorn.
  629. Roses are red, violets are blue…
    …but roses can also be many other colors, including yellow, pink, and white; and violets actually look more purple than blue, hence their name.
  630. Helium walks into a bar.
    He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
  631. What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
    Officer.
  632. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
    Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
  633. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
    None. Historians believe that most pirates were most likely illiterate.
  634. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
    Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it.
  635. What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
    Vampires aren’t real.
  636. What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
    A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
  637. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
    It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
  638. What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
    “Where’s my tractor?”
  639. A horse walks into a bar.
    Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
  640. Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
    One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
  641. What did one Frenchman say to the other?
    I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
  642. When does it rain money?
    When there is “change” in the weather.
  643. What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
    A weekend.
  644. What is the Mexican weather report?
    Chili today and hot tamale
  645. Can Bees fly in the rain?
    Not without their yellow jackets.
  646. What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
    Polaroids!
  647. What do snowmen eat for lunch?
    Icebergers
  648. What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
    A snow-fake!
  649. What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
    A snowmobile!
  650. What do you call dangerous precipitation?
    A rain of terror
  651. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
  652. A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-Dave joke when I jump to my feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype Daves that way?” I demand. “What does a name have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” I yell. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
  653. Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
    Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
    It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
    “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
  654. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
    “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
    “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
    The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
    The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
  655. May 17

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